February 23, 2006


On rare occasions I do have too much time on my hands. Where my mind wonders off to during that time can crack me up, make me smile or even cry. I re-play moments that have brought me the most joy. They could be recent or old memories and digging them up is always a pleasure. After a short while, I eventually end thinking of things that didn't bring me much happiness, then my goal is to figure out what went wrong. Was it me, circumstances, or the other people involved? The knowledge I seek at times eludes me and I have to talk myself into leaving it alone, stop thinking about it and just let it fade into the past. Not such an easy thing to do for a person who most of her life has been a problem solver. I am convinced everything has an answer whether I see it or not, it has one so I seldom give up that struggle.

I used to think that knowledge alone was power until I realized that just as a un-opened book sits on a shelf with it's contents never revealed, the same is true for us, if we have the knowledge yet do nothing with it. We pass on to our children things we've learned and hope they pass it on to their children. We share tips on how to resolve a problem here or there in an effort to help things run smoothly. We learn how to do our trade or craft well and we excel at it the more we perform it. We take on apprentices, patiently passing on all that knowledge it took us years to learn. We are also the keeper of things meant to never be revealed such as family recipes and things of such sensitive nature. However, for several reasons, we avoid seeking the knowledge behind what motivates us to stay in a place we do not want to be in, emotionally or physically. Why do we stay unhappy? Why do we take things too seriously or not serious enough? Why spend two decades hoping things will work, after it hasn't, why are we still there? One reason dissecting one's motivation or lack therefore is avoided simply because we just don't want to know why! The other reason, it's a tedious process involving painful self discovery work and what's the fun in that, right? It all boils down to this, either you want to know or you don't period! If you don't, then I hope you accept everything that comes along with that. If you do, then the worse case is that the enlightenment you've just achieved empowers you to create a better life for yourself or even restructure parts of your life differently. A heads up, speaking from experience, you may or may not like what you learn about yourself, don't let that stop you. Don't talk yourself out of it. I don't mind telling you that I am glad I didn't talk myself out of it. The knowledge that I currently gained from myself would have never come to pass if I had talked myself out of it. Once again, what I do with it, is what matters the most.



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