June 14, 2006

Dark and Enlightened

That dark place that seems to be lurking just around the corner is something many of us have accepted and learned to live with. I have noticed that the darkness throughout the years has gradually morphed into lighter shades of gray. Knowing what triggers the dark ages is what I have learned to guard against. Recognizing that disappointments will come and go I try to focus on them going rather than them coming. No one knows what I have had to deal with of late. Saying that it was an emotional roller coaster is a great understatement. I had received news from a family member that I was not expecting. Under different circumstances the news would have been a well received one but there are so many things happening right now so when I heard it, all I could do was go into worry mode any throw away my current and future plans and redirect them to the person who gave me the news. I carried that news around and it showed. Everyone asked what was wrong and I couldn't break a confidence so it ate at me until I forced this person to share the news but something happened before the news could get out and eventually it resolved itself. In the end what was left was people upset that I had not shared the news with them earlier and that I so called dropped the ball. I have never broken a confidence and had no intentions of starting at that time. My relationship with this person has never been where this person has wanted it to be and they felt they could confide in me with something this big I was not going to let them down. What does any of this have to do with today's topic? During that entire time I felt the darkness just waiting for me to get one more thing added to my plate so I could turn towards it and lose myself in it. What I did was remember that lessons are constantly being taught and I looked for some and I found them. The first lesson was that I can not afford to put my life on hold while other peoples lives are being turned upside down. Their storm will pass and then what? I had to stay grounded and focus on what has taken me so long to put in place and within all of that there is space and time to emotionally support that person and that is the best thing for all. The second lesson was one I already knew so it served as a refresher. The lesson was not to beat myself up for not pleasing everyone all the time because that is unrealistic. This is why my darkness stays away as I am embracing the lessons that enlighten me from day to day. I stopped wondering about what is going to come next and am grateful for what was and is, with or without me the rest will work itself out that is a given.


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